Monday, April 26, 2010

My Sister

Meg and Katie Camping


Today my gorgeous big sister, Meghann, turns 30.  She’s fit a lot of joy, love, experience, and accomplishment in her time on earth  thus far (and she only had my help for the last 28 years!)  I cannot wait to see what she does in the next 30! 

Love you, Bun!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Goodbye Old Friend

I’ve heard that writing can be a great way to express one’s feelings, so I thought it would be nice to share the history of a family member that Gas and I've really cherished over the last 7 years. Despite having lost a multitude of them over the years, I’ve determined that regardless of what people may tell you it’s always a traumatic experience.

The year was 2003. Gas and I had met only two years earlier and she had been wanting one for a long time. Her previous Jinksy was inherited by her brother. Needless to say, that didn’t work out so well for Jinksy. Having felt some grief over this himself, Gas’ dad started working behind the scenes to get his paws on a new one. Fortunately he had a client who was looking to pass their little darling on to one very special owner who could give her the care she needed. So after a short negotiation she was ours:

A 1991 Pontiac Grand Am LS.

Gas was thrilled. They went everywhere together. To the store, to my house, and even to Petco (to look at the puppies of course). She made the move from Arizona, to Utah, and even to California. She did misbehave on our drive back to Arizona, but you know what they say: You don’t always get the car you want, sometimes you get the car you need. For what other reason would we have spent 2 unscheduled days in Kanab (est. pop 5400) Utah? However, after a little adjustment she became our loyal friend again. Shipping her from Utah to California did make us all a bit nervous though.

A couple weeks ago on one fateful afternoon she was struck with a common illness for her breed and could not pass a smog test. We were faced with a decision. Do we keep spending money trying to keep her alive in what might be a helpless battle? Or do we “retire” her before things get worse?

The DMV conversation went about as expected:

Your humble blogger: “Is there anything that can be done?”

DMV representative: “No. (long silence with a grip of typing going on in the background) And by the way can I put you on hold just for shits and giggles. ”

Your humble blogger’s internal monologue: “It wasn’t like she had attacked anyone! When you are walking down the street who do you fear more: A 1991 Grand Am or a Prius? Those things can kill people! A 1991 Grand Am couldn’t kill a person if it tried. I mean really it couldn’t. And even if it did you’d have plenty of time to get out of the way.”'

DMV representative returns.

Your humble blogger: “This whole experience has made me feel very isolated and alone as though no one cares.”

Not one to put up a fight though we excepted our condition and headed over to the yard to said our goodbyes. We did become a bit worried after spying the sign:


“Pick-n-Pull”! "Cash for Clunkers" (how crass)?! Can we please show some respect. And the way they just pile them up there by the thousand:


After some time we discovered it really is for the best though. And her legacy will live on since we used our bounty to make some much needed improvements outside to our deck (more on that later):


Goodbye old friend.


1991 Pontiac Grand Am (1991-2010)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Weezy Wednesday: Places to go…

She is a very busy lady these days!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Its Not What it Seems!

At Weezy’s birthday, when confronted with this:


I asked Nana Eileen to grab me the pack of wipes from my nightstand in the bedroom.  She returned with this:

 Eloise 12 months 2 131

Innocent enough, right? Until she opened the box and all of this sprung forth:

Eloise 12 months 2 138 

For the record, this is not a dildo; it is temporal lobe thermometer:

 Eloise 12 months 2 141

And this is not various tubes of lube and sensual massage oil, it is various tubes of diaper rash cream.  Hot, I know.

 Eloise 12 months 2 146

And these are condoms. I guess there is no baby-friendly excuse for these.  In fact, I am pretty sure they are babies mortal enemies.

 Eloise 12 months 2 147

Why are these kept in the wipes container?  Because of this:

 Eloise 12 months 2 156

Eloise has developed a fervent interest in re-organization and it is on her daily agenda to rearrange all of the items in and around my nightstand (she will literally drag things from other rooms and put them in my lotion box!) The wipes container is our way of baby-proofing our birth-control options!

To all you who snickered and sent us pointed looks at the party, we are flattered you would assume we’ve got such an adventurous sex life, but I hope this post clarifies any misconceptions.  

Now I have to go “change a diaper” … and for the record that really means change a diaper. 

PS: Just because its funny, I am going to share with you a little Brakes trivia.  What's the largest volume of condoms Brakes has ever purchased at once?  Any guesses?

Just under 1500.  He bought them online. In bulk.  Just after Weezy was born.  Hmm.  (Do you think he is ready for numero dos?)  Here is part of his stash.  

Eloise 12 months 2 154

When they arrived in the mail, I opened the box, gave Brakes a smile and said, “My how ambitious of you!”  Bless his frugal heart.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Now This is What I Call a Mother Truckin Tablescape!

Some people are born to shop, eat chocolate, be wild, etc. (or so I read at a tee-shirt stand in Tijuana back in ‘’95… Okay, so I have never be to Tijuana.  Certainly not in ‘’95, I was 12 at the time.  I just thought it sounded tough and complemented my bad-ass title.  Thoughts?)   I was born to tablescape.  As many of you may have guessed, I’ve dabbled in tablescape architecture a time or two before with an occasional cloth napkin.  Perhaps even a pillar candle.  On special occasions, I’ve even been known to jam a post-it into a pine cone and call it a place card.  I realize now that those were just cheap imitations of the real art of tablescapery- Behold, my masterpiece:

Tabescape 2

I call it:  Ladies who Lunch

Tablecape 3


This tablescape was inspired by my dear sister-in-law, Diana.  Her best gals and I threw her a surprise ladies tea to celebrate her engagement.  She is getting married in August to the love of her life!  And I am so touched that she asked me to be her maid of honor!  (I know I should officially by called matron of honor, but yikes!  That sounds frightfully old and dour, so I think I will just stick to maid of honor, thank you very much!)  I had so much planning her fancy tea party and leapin-lizards (I mean damn-it-all-to-hell! Bad-ass theme, you understand.)  we are going to have fun at her Hen Party in May!  I am planning on riding our fat hogs up and down the coast, hitting every biker bar between here and T-town (Tijuana, my second home) and stopping for some arson and vandalism along the way… AKA: we are partaking in a lovely wine festival followed by a day at the spa!  Should be divine!  Ta ta!  I mean, perch and rotate, mother truckers!

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Weezy Wednesdays: Paparazzi

Good to know that if Eloise were ever to become a star, she will handle the paparazzi and manhandling  of celebrity with aplomb! 

And how cute is Weezy’s friend, S?  She is a brand new big sister!  Congratulations, S, R, and B!  We cannot wait to meet baby I!

Monday, April 12, 2010

I Have A Famous Pachina

I know, Dad, I promised to quit talking about my pachina on public forums, but I am sorry, I simply cannot resist.  I love the attention; I am a middle child- you have only yourself to blame.



I’ve been at it again- chatting about my nether regions to anyone who’ll listen.  After scaring the crap out of a newly pregnant woman I met in line at Trader Joes (why does all my inappropriate social behavior happen at Trader Joes?) I made a resolution to get the pachina talk out of my system once and for all!  I decided to rewrite my birth story and submit it to the bump.  I figured, that if it got posted, I could go there and re-read it every time I got the itch to chat about ginas and hopefully that would meet my need and I could leave the poor pregnant public alone. 

I submitted it right before we moved last November and I recently discovered it is going to be published in The Nest magazine!  Apparently I am not the only one obsessed with my pachina, she is getting quite a fan-base.  I am thinking about setting up a Facebook page and a Twitter account for her.  She is currently interviewing publicists.

Dad, are you proud?

Friday, April 9, 2010

Spring Has Sprung and Weezy’s One!

On thee first day of spring,  our  sweet Weezy was born so the theme for her first birthday seemed obvious!  Bugs, gardens, flowers, and seeds!  All things spring! IMG_5234IMG_1939IMG_1940IMG_5233IMG_5235IMG_5237IMG_5237 - Copy

All decor items are from the dollar store.  I bought plastic planters and toy gardening equipment for the food and I hot glued bugs and fake flowers to spring them up a bit.  I also bought pinwheels and cloth insect finger puppets from IKEA and I scattered them around the room in vases and hidden on the shelves.  The favors were plastic bug catchers with a net and tong, and on the inside was an insect finger puppet.  For the adults we had a salad buffet with several different types of salad.  A few included: “Seed Salad” (Bean salad) “Chicken and Leaves” (Chinese Chicken Salad from Costco).  We also served various kid friendly options like slices of cheese cut into flower and butterfly shapes with a cookie cutter.  Veggie “Sticks” chips and pretzel “Twigs”.  I also found adorable build-a-bug fruit drops that were a hit with the older kids.  I ordered cupcakes from Costco.  They were huge but quite good!  I did customize them a bit with gummy worms, cookie crumbs, and Mike&Ike candy in flower designs.  I totally stole the caterpillar balloon bug idea from my friend, Michelle, who made one for her daughter’s caterpillar themed birthday the week before.  I thought she was completely brilliant!

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Lets talk wardrobe!  Michelle generously offered to loan me Maddy’s perfect buggy dress (complete with a cardigan, no less!) but I forgot to reply with a grateful yes in time to make arrangements to pop over and grab it, so instead, the night before the party I whipped up this bedazzled onesie!  Snail + Butterfly= Rhinstone-erific fun!

(Sorry, so dirty.  Did not think to take pics before cake fest!)



Me and the Unc accidently displaying the caterpillar banner I had Eloise’s classmates help me make at her school party.  Liquid watercolor on coffee-filters make beautiful party decor!  Plus it was a fun activity to do with a group of toddlers!

IMG_1945 IMG_1946 IMG_1947










For entertainment, I just put a bunch of Weezy’s toys in the living room and got a baby pool and some carnival balls at Target.  I also threw some of my favorite IKEA bugs in the ball pit.  The kids had a fun time finding them!

It was a really fun celebration befitting of the special little bug in our life!  However, next year we may go to Chuckie Cheese (Kidding.  Kind of. ) :)

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Weezy Wednesday: Birthday Girl

The obligatory smash cake!

Monday, April 5, 2010

Last Year’s Lessons

On March 20th my little girl turned one years old!  I’ve spent the weeks surrounding her big day pondering (when I wasn’t hot gluing plastic bugs onto planter boxes- more on that later) all that I have learned in the last year and comparing my old self to my new self- because make no mistake about it- in many ways I am an entirely different person. 

Here is an abbreviated list of lessons learned in the last 12 months:

  1. I think I finally get physics.  7 pounds, 2 ounces can emerge from a small crevices given enough velocity. (You knew I wouldn't miss the chance to talk about my pachina- also more on that later ;)
  2. Sleep is the magic elixir that makes me smarter, kinder, prettier, and a whole hell of a lot happier.  IMG_1415
  3. Who knew Dads could be this sexy?
  4. Your marriage will change when you bring another person into your family; it doesn't mean you’re weak or your marriage is weak, or that you are a bad wife, or you have a shitty husband.  It just means that you, the collective you, husband and wife, are re-learning how to be together and adjusting to the added changes and responsibilities.  It will take awhile to find your footing, but with patience, communication, motivation, and understanding, your marriage will become stronger than it ever was before.  Also, a lot of sex certainly helps.
  5. Though I still cannot be bound, sturdier undergarments are going to be necessary until my little shark is weaned.
  6. Renting is under-rated.  Just kidding.  Just kidding on the just kidding.
  7. Baby crap will take over your house.  There is no getting around it, accept it and buy cute storage containment units.  (Non-parents: don’t be alarmed.  By baby crap, I mean gear- not actual poo.  We do not store poo in attractive baskets and such.  Most of the time anyways.)
  8. You do not need 1/2 the baby crap you buy.  Eloise’s favorite birthday present was the silver ribbon that came on her add-a-pearl necklace from Auntie Bun (so cute!), and she lives in zip-up footie jams and she ignores her fancy light-up walker, preferring to push a little foot-ottoman around the house.  Baby gates and brown shirt are pretty much all she (we) requires!
  9. Motherhood and selflessness do not need to go hand-in-hand.  When a new baby enters your world, you have no choice but to put your own wants and desires on the back burner.  But thankfully for me, I learned relatively quickly that to be the mom that Eloise deserved and to be the wife that Brakes deserved, I had to have the life that I deserved.  In the last year, I remembered that I love to swim, sew, work, write, wear fancy make-up, have fancy hair, and take long and luxurious bubble baths.  Giving up those things does not make me a better mother; taking the time, spending the money, doing whatever I have to do to feel human and find definition outside of my familial roles, is what makes me a better mother.  Last year Gas defined herself almost exclusively by the roles she played for other people, this year Gas (apparently talks in the third person and) is so much more than what she does.  As a result, I am a much, much stronger and more powerful woman than I ever thought I could be.
  10. Hormones are like heroin.  (I am guessing- no actual experience with heroin. Ick.)  Do not underestimate their power.
  11. Memories of the pain DO NOT fade, but your daughter’s dazzling blue eyes and the sound of her giggle certainly make you feel like it was worth it.IMG_5247
  12. Brakes and I created a sweet, sassy, brave, fiery, smart, loving, gorgeous, funny, ballsy, baby girl.  My love for her is fierce and voracious.  I could never kiss her, hug her, squeeze, and smell her enough.  She is joy incarnate and I would never, never have fathomed that I could be this lucky.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

My Apologies

Sorry for the long absence, folks!  I would like to say I was traveling the world, discussing the various merits of drop-cloth decor (that’s right!  I have gone so far beyond windows) and educating people about the many, many uses for this generation’s most underrated fabric.  But alas, I wasn’t.  My only excuse is that my sweet BABY turned one and I was pretty much obsessed with that the entire month of March.  Poor Brakes got so sick of my daily, “Remember this time last year….” marathon.  He finally drew the line when I took him and Weezy on a walk through the park with the specific intention of paying homage to the porta-potty I was standing next to when I had my first contraction.  I may have wanted to take a picture.  My nostalgia had reached new heights, people.  I was out of control. Way out of control.  Brakes had to set some boundaries.

So after a firm talking to (“Gas, there will be other birthdays…”) I am back; birthdays are so yesterday’s news (See, Brakes?  I’m learning.), and we’ve got all sorts of fab stuff to discuss in the B&G household. 

  • Weezy’s birthday breakdown (Last time, Brakes.  I promise.)
  • House updates  (You never said I couldn’t talk about drop cloths!)
  • Some life-changing new products to review! (Some may have been purchased for events that we will no longer mention. Cupcake stand.  What?!  Hunh?!Who said that?!)
  • Bachelorette Party madness in May (which happens to be my birthday month.  What, Brakes?!  You said nothing about my birthday!  You just said I had to quit talking about Weezy’s birthday!).
  • Tablescapes (You know, table decor for a party.  Like maybe for a birthday party.  Oh, crap.  I did it again.)

I am obviously working on letting go, readers.  Have patience.  While you wait for me to get my act together, feast your eyes on this sweetheart who I think (I can’t quite recollect), may have possibly, perhaps, celebrated an important event recently.  Or maybe she has cake mashed all over her face on every plain ole regular Saturday night! And yes, her onsie is bedazzled.