Sunday, March 1, 2009

Birth Midler

Brakes and I went to birth-class yesterday. Brakes is nothing if not efficient so he insisted we do the all-day-marathon-birth-class/hospital tour special! Shazam!

We arrived at 9 am sharp without pillows (that we were apparently supposed to bring) to a full class already seated and ready to learn. Apparently 8:45 was the start time. Brakes and I were already the birth-class dunces. This sort of set the tone for the day.

I got the giggles every time a picture of a pachina (usually with a baby head sticking out of it) was shown. I had to excuse myself during the deep-breathing exercises because I kept thinking how hilarious it would be if someone tooted really loudly. I had to go try to regain my composure in the hall and I left poor Brakes in the room deep breathing by himself. Any chance laughter is a hormonal reaction?

Brakes was too embarrassed to do the "hee-haw" noisy breathing and he thought everything our teacher said was meant to be funny. Which it was most decidedly not. I am pretty sure he and I were the only people in the room who cracked a smile all day.

Our teacher was a real character. She calls herself the "Diva Doula" and she is extremely biased towards med-free/intervention free births. This was unfortunate because 7 out of the 10 couples there were planning on getting epidurals in the parking lot. She was also quite anxious to get everyone on their knees grunting and practice moaning. She called everyone sweetie and had no compunction about slapping people on the fanny to emphasize a point. Brakes was especially disturbed by this personality quirk. She looks and sounds exactly like Bette Midler. By the end of the day, no longer caring that we were alienating the other future parents, Brakes began to narrate the last video for me. He invented extravagant drama behind all the laboring mothers and every time Birth Midler came on the scene he tried to incorporate a Beaches reference (which I'm pretty sure is the only Bette Milder movie he's seen). Apple juice (which was generously provided) came out my nose and I nearly lost control of my already-compressed bladder. As soon as the movie was over we gratefully booked it out the door.

Overall, it was a good experience. I think we both have a better idea of what to expect when Miss Weezy decides to make her grand debut. We've come up with a birth-plan we feel comfortable with and we had many of our questions answered. I probably could have done without the crotch-shots galore, and Brakes is seriously concerned about our ability to make friends with our daughter's peer's parents, based on the humor-less sampling we encountered at birth-class, but generally, we are feeling prepared and ready to usher Eloise into the world, hopefully in a med-free and relatively quick (fingers crossed) way.

Here is a picture of Birth Midler (who despite her bias and distracting celebrity resemblance, was actually quite knowledgeable and patient with our dunce-like shenanigans):

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