The following is a transcript of a conversation Brakes and I had over the weekend: (what? Its not like you don’t keep a log of every interaction between you and your spouse. Anyways.)
Brakes: Umm, Bug (Usage of charming nick-name. I grow suspicious.) In the interest of full-disclosure, I should probably tell you something.
Gas: (Crap! He got fired! He cheated on me! He ate my left-over 1/2 a burrito!!!) What? (Stay calm- there will be other burritos.)
Brakes: You know last week when I was throwing up and had a sore throat?
Gas: (Oh God! Its cancer! I am going to be a single mother! How am I going to make the mortgage! Shit! I am going to have to date again. I had better loose weight.) Yes?
Brakes: Well, when I said I was going to the hardware store, I really went to the doctor.
Gas: (YOU LIED TO ME! YOU ARE A LIAR! OH GOD! WHO ARE YOU!) Uh hunh. And?
Brakes: They gave me a test. It wasn’t just a cold and food poisoning. I totally had swine flu- But I am fine now.
Gas: (What? Swine flu? But people die from swine flu? Brakes looks pretty healthy to me.) Really? No you didn’t! How do I know you’re not lying? (Once a liar…)
Brakes: No seriously, I did.
Gas: (Still suspect.) Well, why didn’t you tell me?
Brakes: I didn’t want you to worry.
Gas: (Likely story!) Why didn’t you really tell me?
Brakes: (Looks abashed.) Umm… if you knew I had it, then you would talk yourself into getting it and then who would watch the Weez?
Gas: (Grudgingly decides that is probably true.) Okay, but never lie to me again, or keep secrets like that from me. Capice? (Okay, I did not really say capice.)
Brakes: (Looking relieved.) Yeah. XOXO. (He did not really say XOXO, but he did give me a hug and cop a little feel.)
1. My husband thinks I am a big enough hypochondriac that I can talk myself into swine flu.
2. My husband is probably right.
3. Swine flu is not always the demon I have been staying up nights worrying about. Thank God.
4. I may have a tendency towards jumping to conclusions, imagining wild scenarios, and experiencing irrational thoughts. You should be wary.
5. Brakes is a terrible secret-keeper.