Friday, December 18, 2009

Brake’s Big Secret

The following is a transcript of a conversation Brakes and I had over the weekend: (what?  Its not like you don’t keep a log of every interaction between you and your spouse. Anyways.)

Brakes: Umm, Bug (Usage of charming nick-name.  I grow suspicious.)  In the interest of full-disclosure, I should probably tell you something.

Gas: (Crap!  He got fired!  He cheated on me! He ate my left-over 1/2 a burrito!!!) What? (Stay calm- there will be other burritos.)

Brakes: You know last week when I was throwing up and had a sore throat? 

Gas: (Oh God!  Its cancer!  I am going to be a single mother!  How am I going to make the mortgage!  Shit!  I am going to have to date again.  I had better loose weight.)  Yes?

Brakes:  Well, when I said I was going to the hardware store, I really went to the doctor. 

Gas: (YOU LIED TO ME!  YOU ARE A LIAR!  OH GOD!  WHO ARE YOU!)  Uh hunh.  And?

Brakes: They gave me a test.  It wasn’t just a cold and food poisoning.  I totally had swine flu-  But I am fine now.

Gas: (What?  Swine flu?  But people die from swine flu?  Brakes looks pretty healthy to me.)  Really?  No you didn’t!  How do I know you’re not lying?  (Once a liar…)

Brakes: No seriously, I did. 

Gas: (Still suspect.) Well, why didn’t you tell me?

Brakes: I didn’t want you to worry.

Gas: (Likely story!) Why didn’t you really tell me?

Brakes: (Looks abashed.) Umm… if you knew I had it, then you would talk yourself into getting it and then who would watch the Weez? 

Gas: (Grudgingly decides that is probably true.) Okay, but never lie to me again, or keep secrets like that from me.  Capice? (Okay, I did not really say capice.)

Brakes: (Looking relieved.) Yeah.  XOXO. (He did not really say XOXO, but he did give me a hug and cop a little feel.)

Lessons Learned:

1.  My husband thinks I am a big enough hypochondriac that I can talk myself into swine flu.

2.  My husband is probably right.

3.  Swine flu is not always the demon I have been staying up nights worrying about.  Thank God.

4.  I may have a tendency towards jumping to conclusions, imagining wild scenarios, and experiencing irrational thoughts.  You should be wary.

5.  Brakes is a terrible secret-keeper. 


PKW said...

And doesn't it kind of make you happy about #5? P is a HORRIBLE secret keeper...he squeals like a pig to me (hmmm, should the pun there be intended?)! I like it, I hate surprises and I hate secrets. hehe.

Lindsy said...

You need to write a book. You are too funny!

SmartAssMom said...

1. I think I just talked myself into having swine flu by reading this post.
2. Mine will be far worse than Brakes.
3. I had to double check that you aren't Brakes because I keep getting you mixed up. I'm not proud of that.

Stefanie K. said...

I totally love every word you put to, keyboard. I wish I had never read your blog before so that I could start from the beginning and read it all right now for the first time, again. <3

Sabreena said...

Really enjoyed that conversation and love your use of Brakes and Gas in regards to you and your esposo even more. Amazing that this flu we're being conditiond to fear was so mild you barely noticed he had it. Guess I'll have to return those size 2T hazmat suits I bought from Sam's club.

Sara @ Russet Street Reno said...

Two of my close coworkers had h1n1 too, and they were miserable for a few days but came out just fine. I'm not worried about it, but it's also true that you can 'talk' your way into it!

Molly said...

Ms. Brakes. After this post I must must admit my girl crush on you. Seriously, if you weren't married, and I wasn't married, I'd want to be married to you (and you know if I was a lesbian and all). Every post makes me laugh and wish we lived closer to each other, but I am hoping for another GTG at Ikea or somewhere sometime soon so I can hang with you and the Wheez sometime soon.